The Funnies

alrighty, im pretty bored, thus i'll start this thread, on jokes. i'll give it my two cents...

A guy walks into a bar. har har, kidding. so a guy walks into a bar, and this guy really looks like a sly one. He walks up to the bar-tender and he says: "ey, bar keep, i'll bet you 50 clams that i can spit into a cup from 10 feet away." and the bar-tender thinks and believes it to be pretty un-doable, so he agrees. and he watches as the man spit from 10 feet away, straight into a cup, and so he hands over 50 big ones, dumb founded. the man then proceeds to walk to a bunch of his friends. after 5 minutes, the man returns to the bar-tender with yet another bet. he says: "i'll bet you 5000 dollars i can pee right across your whole bar." and the bar-tender carefully examines the length of his bar... well over 50 feet. so, without hesitation, the bar-tender says: "alright, pee away!" the man proceeds to remove his pants, and starts to wizz. It goes, and goes, 5 feet, 7 feet, and it dies out. the bar-tender jumps in joy, and asks the man for 5000 dollars. the man can't stop laughing, which troubles the bar-tender deeply. he asks the man why, to which the man calmly replies: "i just bet those guys over there 10000 dollars that you'll let me pee in your bar."

haha c'mon guys, bring out the funnies.

 

Is there a film, Quentin Tarantino plays this guys.
Antonio Bandela(speling fout! /versus/images/graemlins/frown.gif) plays in this film, called seprado(speling fout! /versus/images/graemlins/frown.gif) something! can't remember!

But that is quite funny all right! /versus/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

eyy, c'mon i was expecting some sense of humor from you guys, none of you people have any jokes to share? well... fine, i'll continue anyway.

Three women are stuck on an island, a blonde, a red-head and a burnette. They are 20 miles from the shore and so, the red-head decides to go for it and swim. so she goes for about 5 miles and drowns. the other two laugh hysterically at her on the island. after some rest, the burnette also decides to give it a try while the blonde decides to stay there. the burnette goes for about 10 miles and drowns. after a couple of minutes, the blonde goes impatient of waiting for a boat to come by, so she dives in and starting swimming, she goes for 19 miles, but then she gets tired, so she swims back to the island.

if you don't find that funny, then i feel sorry for you -_- unless you're a blonde /versus/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

hmmmmm, ok, here goes.

A blonde, a brunette,and a red head are walking down the street. The brunette goes," You will not believe this, I went through my daughter's dresser drawers and found a bottle of beer. I can't believe she drinks!" The red head says," Oh yeah? well in my daughter's dresser drawers I found a pack of cigarettes. I can't believe she smokes!" Finally the blonde says," That's nothing. I went through my daughter's drawers and found a pack of condoms. I can't believe she has a p***s!"

Sorry if anyone takes too much offense to this...I got warned on another site for that one...

 

Woman walks into a grocery store. She proceeds to buy some milk, bread, eggs, juice, and cheese. At the check out counter the clerk tells her, "You must be single"...she replies, "How did you know?"...

















"Because you're fucking ugly!"

 

haha thanks for the replys guys. alright time for my daily haha joke. [before you guys read this joke, i guess it might be offensive to asians, hahah but i am asian myself so... yeh, all in good fun right? /versus/images/graemlins/grin.gif]

So three passengers are on board a small plane. an american trader, a mexican trader and an asian trader. suddenly the plane starts shaking wildly as it loses altitude. the pilot announces over the speaker that there is too much weight on board and that the passengers should dump off whatever their country has too much of. so the asian guy starts throwing off sacks and sacks of rice. the mexican guy starts dumping off bags and bags of cocane. and the american guy, without saying a word, throws the asian guy off.

COME ON PEOPLE, POST YOUR FUNNIEST JOKES HERE!

 

ok heres a barrage of blonde jokes,

Q:what do you all a blonde with pigtails?
A: a blow job with handles

Q:why does a blonde wear big hoop earings on dates?
A:so she can have somewhere to put her feet*think like a pervert here*

Q:what do you call an upside down blonde?
A:a brunette with bad breath

Q:what do barbie and britny spears have in common?
A:both are blonde,brainless and made out of plastic

Q:what does a taxi and a blonde have in common?
A:everyones been in and out for $2.00

Q:what did the blonde customer say after see saw the well titted*huge titties* waitresse's nametag?
A:"debbie...hmm thats cute what did you name the other one?"

Q:what do train tracks and blondes have in common?
A:both have been laid out through america

Q:how do you confuse a blonde?
Aut her in a round room and tell her to touch the corner

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.the bruntte's word was quizzical.the red head's was photosythises.the blondes word was dick.

One day a blonde was driving her car down the road, when she looked at her window and saw another blonde in a boat rowing in the middle of an open field, the blonde stopped the car angrily and said, "its blondes like you that give us smart blondes a bad name, your lucky i cant swim, or id come out there and kick your ass"

 

hahahhah good stuff, here are some additons to your collection of blonde jokes:

several hundred blondes are at a blonde convention to prove that blondes are smart. the host [blonde] asks a volunteer to come up and answer a few questions. the volunteer, a very beautiful young lady, went up in the roar of the crowd. she stood up there, the host asks her, "what's 4 X 4?" the blonde says: "ummm, 8" the crowd yells, give her another chance! the host pops another question: "what's 27 + 23?" the volunteer says: "4??" the crowd yells GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! impatient and irritated, the host give the blonde a final question: "what is 2 + 2?" the blonde volunteer carefully counts her fingers, after a while, she replies with a lot of doubt... "4???" the crowd of blondes yell: GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!

so santa claus, an elf, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde are walking alon together, and they all see a treasure chest, they all dive for it and who gets it? the dumb blonde, cuz the other 3 don't exist.

what did the left leg of a blonde say to the right leg? "with what's between us, we can make a whole lotta cash"

haha more jokes guys!!

 

there was these 3 sisters, and they all decided to bing their boyfriends home so they can meet their parents. after the dinner and formalities, they all wen to bed, and then all 3 started to have sex. in a while the mothr heard an intense crying, like if she was dying so she rushed into the room and found the guy with his pants down and her daughter crying"what happened honey" "sob he's too big mommy, too big for me at all" "oh." so she went back to sleep. in another while she heard an incredible laughing, so she went in, where she found her daughter sitting down and her bf on the bed nked "whats wrong honey?" " hahahah its so small, ive smoked fatter joints than that!!! lololol hahaha!!!" "oh" so she went back to her room. a while later, she heard nothing at all, so she went to check up,"honey wats wrong? you there? hello? talk to me? HONEY? RESPOND NOW!!!! " "oh sorry mom,but its bad manners to talk with my mouth full"

 

little jessica' came into her parents room and asked them, what they were sdoing last night*sex* and the mother responded"oh dont worry hony we were making cakes" oohh ok mommy and she walked away. then next morning, she ran up to her dad and said" daddy i kno you and mommy were making cake!!" "and how do you know that?" " cause i licked the frosting off the couch!!!"

 

three couples went it to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. the minister said that they would have to go 2 weeks without sex and then come back and tell him how it went.

the first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged, and the thrid couple was newlywed.

two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. the retired couple said it was no problem at all, the middleaged couple said it was tough for the first week but after that it was no problem.the newly weds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"can of PAINT?" exclamined the minister

"yeah" said the newlywed man"she dropped the paint can and when she bent over to pick it up i had to have her right then and there. Lust took over"

the minister just shook his head and said they werent welcome in the church.

"thats okay" said the man "we're not welcome in home depot either"

 

10 things in golf that sound dirty

1:look at the size of his putter
2h,dang,my shafts bent
3:you really wacked the hell outta that sucker
4:after 18 holes i can barely walk
5:my hands are so sweaty, i cant get a good grip
6:lift your head and spread your legs
7:you have a nicwe stroke, but your following leaves much to be desired
8:just turn your back and drop it
9:hold up ive got to wash my balls
10:damn i missed the hole again

 

LOL, so much sexual related stuff... ok, i'll follow

a man went into the bathroom at a fancy restraunt and he sees a little midget dressed in green, and this midget has a HUGE dick. so the guy is amazed, and he asked the midget: "WHOA are you a leprachon?" the little man in green replies yes, and says that he can grant the man three wishes. so the man says: i want big house, i want a beautiful wife, and i want... a big dick! so the leprachon says: "no problem, but you see, if order for me to grant anyone wishes, i must have anal sex with them first, after that, you can go home and the wishes will come true the next day. the man considers it for a minute, but for the three wishes, he'd do anything. so, after a good 25 minute, the guy calls to stop cuz his ass is SORE. he says: "wow, i can't believe i'm gonna have a big house, a beautiful wife and a huge dick!" the little man says: "i can't believe you thought i was a leprachon."

ahhahaha more jokes!!

 

o man has no one here ever heard of a joke? -_- sigh, well here's my daily one.

little johnny who is 5 years old, takes a shower with his mommy one day. he suddenly notices the jugs and asks: "mommy what are those?" the mom is taken by surprise and tells little johnny to ask his daddy later, hopiing that little johnny would forget. strangely johnny asked his dad as soon as he steps into the door. johnny's dad is quick minded and replies instantly: "oh, well they're balloons, when mommy dies, we blow them up so she'll go to heaven." johnny thinks it's neat, so leaves the subject alone. one day, johnny's dad comes home a few hours early and sees little johnny running in circles outside the door, and asks: "what's wrong son?" little johnny replies with a horrified face: " mommy's dying!! uncle harry is blowing up mommy's balloons and mommy is screaming 'God, I'm coming [cumming]' "

 

daily joke.

an art teacher, who sucks at art, teaches a kindergarden class. she TRYS to draw an apple on the board. when she finished, she asked the children in the class: "who can tell me what this is?" and the whole class replied: " it's a butt." so, the teacher gets mad and leaves for the day after telling the principal what has happened. when the principal comes into the room, everyone is talking, so he shouts for them to be quiet. after a 10 minute lecture, he turns around to see the picture on the board, he immediately asks: "who drew a butt on the board?"

k you guys officially don't know what a joke is, or choose not to share anything funny. in either case, if by tomorrow no one shares anything remotely funny, then this thread's dead.

 

Okey, so this guy comes in to a bar (which btw is in the 60th floor of a really tall building), and goes over to the bartender and sits down.
After a while, another guy comes up to him and says
-I bet you I can jump out of that window there, and the because the (wind) current is so strong, it will make me fly up again.
The first man looks at the window, and says:
-Allright, I'll bet you a hundred bucks.
So the guy with runs through the window, and falls down, after a while, though, he comes flying up again to everybodys great surprise.
-That's easy! The guy who just lost his money bursts out.
So he jumps out of the window, falls, falls and hits the ground.
-You know Superman, the bartender says, you're a real jurk when you're drunk!

 

loL good job, that was pretty funny, alright let's keep this rolling.

New arrivals at the Pearly Gates of Heaven are comparing stories on how they died. First woman: "I froze to death." Second woman: "I had a heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. I found him alone, but I was sure there was a woman there somewhere. I ran all over the house looking, from the attic to the basement, in every closet and under every bed. Finally I keeled over, dead." First woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."